This moment...

This moment has been one where every emotion is heightened. There has been so much struggle and yet so much growth. Even though “this moment” has extended beyond a few months of time, it is just a single moment in the storyline of my life. This moment has charged an awakening in my soul and it has stretched me to my limits. I’m still in “this moment,” in a way, we all are, but we are finding new direction as things change, we always do.

On Thursday March 12th, we were hearing rumblings of the need to shut everything down as a way of controlling this virus that was rapidly causing chaos in our world. Honestly though, it didn’t feel real, it didn’t feel possible that the world would “shut down.” But it did. We headed into a three day weekend, as it was the final day of the third quarter and teachers had a planned workday on Friday the 13th. My classroom was a ball of energy as we had just begun our much anticipated documentary unit, and I casually waved goodbye to my students as they left my room each period and I vividly remember saying with much positivity, “have a great long weekend.” What I didn’t realize is that that “long weekend” would turn into an entire fourth quarter. And that I wouldn’t physically see my students again until they were waving from the safety of their parents’ cars in an 8th grade graduation parade where I stood with my colleagues, six feet a part, behind masks. This moment didn’t seem possible and yet it happened. It took my breath away and it shook me, I wasn’t ready for all the things this moment would bring.

This moment has been frustrating. There wasn’t time to make a plan or think things through. Life went from normal to upside down in an instant. I was now teaching virtually, with no definitive timeline. I had to rework all of my plans, materials, and become a teacher I really wasn’t proud of because time was my enemy. There was also no time to make a plan about how my husband and I were going to continue full time jobs and care for our five children. I quickly realized that caring for the kids was going to mostly fall on my shoulders. I had to navigate their learning. Parker and Weston were finishing up 4th and 2nd grade and needed assistance locating materials and staying motivated. Corbin, Caroline and Ryland have grown so much this year in Preschool and I wanted to continue enriching their time at home with learning experiences as well. I became frustrated because there wasn’t any time for me to do my job, there wasn’t any time for me personally. I no longer was able to write, to read, to workout, because I was constantly putting out fires, managing the day, or just surviving. During this moment, I have felt in survival mode the entire time, I questioned my worth and purpose.

This moment has been freeing. By taking away the daily grind our schedule has opened up, allowing us to be more fluid with our choices. There has still been a schedule, but the flexibility with that time has made it freeing. No more running out the door in the morning, feeling guilty as I drive to work knowing I left the house with tired and frustrated children for my husband and mother to wrangle. We have been able to absolve those things that held us back from being adventurous. As sad as my children were at first to know that they wouldn’t see their friends every day or play baseball and soccer this spring or act out the part of the ant in the school play, we have found joy reconnecting as a family and in a way we are liberated with no sports’ schedules dictating our afternoons and weekends. Every morning one of the five will ask me, “so what adventure are we going on today?” This moment has allowed us to remove the schedule and thus our focus is now on collecting memories together, not checking things off the to-do list.

This moment has been exhausting. After our first week at home, I realized that my husband’s job was too time consuming for him to contribute to the work needed to support our children. And so with his blessing and encouragement, I packed up the crew and my mother, and we went and hid at our lake house in New York. This has been the perfect setting - secluded, remote, and yet spacious - but I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed, I’m anxious, I’m barely breathing sometimes. It’s impossible to be a stay-at-home mom and full time teacher to 120 8th graders, but I was doing just that, or expected to at least. During this time I would wake up each morning lacking the energy needed to start another day, I’d grab a cup of coffee and with my mother’s morale-boosting support, we would plan the day and do our very best. During this moment I’m constantly needed, I’m constantly being touched, I’m constantly playing referee, nurse, teacher, disciplinarian. I’m always cleaning something, planning something, organizing something and managing something. There are no breaks, no down time, no me time, and no moments of solace.

This moment has been eye-opening. Prior to remotely learning, if asked I would have said that the part of my job that gives me the most joy is building curriculum. I am creative and organized and I always felt my strengths lied within the framework of designing lessons and materials for my students. What I found though is I thrive off of interacting with my students. I love to build curriculum, but then what I really love is seeing it come to life in my classroom. I’m a reflective person and will constantly make changes to better my teaching, it was challenging to do that through a computer screen, the feedback and interaction was minimal, cold, and dry. This moment has shown me that I was wrong about what makes me happy in my profession - it’s not necessarily the creative aspects, but my students. This moment has also leant itself the opportunity for me to slow down and really see my children. Without the distraction of friends and sports’ practices and games, I’ve seen Parker really mature, but also really learn to love and appreciate his siblings. He’s the leader of our crew and has always been such a great big brother, but this moment has allowed him to learn when to bend, when to stand strong, when to lead, and when to listen. He’s growing before my very eyes. During “school time” I worked closely with Weston, he needs a thumb on him, but also a little motivation. What I always knew about him, but I got to see in action, is how inquisitive he is and how funny he is! Weston’s brain works differently than mine and I’m amazed by it, he is so quick, always five steps ahead, and at times will travel down a rabbit hole. He is also so sweet and desperately wants his younger siblings to idolize him like they do with Parker. My mom ran “preschool” from 9-10 every morning and each day there was a different “student” who would shine. Corbin wants to be just like his big brothers and he really is, he’s smart, funny, and creative just like Weston, but he’s also gentle and patient like Parker. Even in this moment I watch him smoothly bounce from the big boys to the littles. I’ve always noticed Caroline’s want to be a little “mama,” snuggling her baby dolls, carrying a backpack with needed supplies, she’s the mom and then encourages Ryland to be the dad. During this moment though, I started to see how creative she is; she loves to sit and play with play-doh and paint! She has patience and skill and it’s such a fun change of pace to go from fighting bad guys on the hills with swords with her brothers to coloring a picture with her. Ryland is still attached to me, he claimed the other day that “we are married,” this moment hasn’t changed his love for his mama, but what I have seen during this time is his love for music and a story. He is always in an imaginative world, singing, dancing and acting out the scene to his favorite Disney movies (current favorites - Beauty and the Beast, Tangled, Lady and the Tramp, and Aladdin). As hard as this moment has been, I’m thankful for this moment and the opportunity to really see my children.

This moment has been disappointing. So many plans canceled…the annual adventure to Washington D.C. with my 8th grade students, all end of the school year celebrations, our first excursion as a family of seven to Great Wolf Lodge, and even our Disney trip in the fall, all put on hold. I’m heartbroken that we ended the school year in this way, not having that final quarter to polish and shine my crop of students before heading off to high school, not having a proper thank you and goodbye. My children are disappointed that life isn’t “normal.” They aren’t running off to baseball or soccer or spending hours with friends in the neighborhood. They were looking forward to camps and Vacation Bible School. I’m displeased with myself that during these challenges I’ve resorted to my vices - rewarding myself for making it through the day with wine and indulging in poor eating habits because it’s easier and seems more satisfying- I didn’t make myself a priority. I can see the work I’ve done in myself slipping away. This moment has made it impossible to continue our normal lives, causing us to stop in our tracks and tread water, but it has also put a damper on those adventurous we had much anticipated.

This moment has been filled with reflection and growth. When circumstances push you to your limit, you start to evaluate what’s most important, you start to question the path that you are on, and you start to grasp at anything that keeps your head above water. I’ve questioned my profession - can I really be a good teacher with these circumstances, what am I doing trying to teach full time and be a mother to five, is this really my passion? Even though I’ve questioned my path, I also know this is what I’ve been called to do. Not right away, but later during this moment, I was able to start dreaming again. Dreaming of beautiful pictures and a store stocked with the perfect things you would want to buy a child. Those dreams might evolve into nothing, but I’m dreaming, I’m growing, I’m looking forward. This is a huge step because when you are treading water and barely staying afloat you aren’t thinking of the future, but rather just surviving. I’m dreaming and will continue to because that is what life is all about…

This moment has been adventurous, but also full of tears, it’s been challenging and yet exactly what we needed. This moment is marked with nature, the water, bumps and bruises, and bike rides. This moment has needed virtual learning, a village for our family, and grace. This moment has allowed us to get closer to Jesus, understand our weaknesses and appreciate our situation. This moment has broken us down, but it has also built us up. This moment has changed me.