Another trip around the sun...
It has been two years since I made the leap to share my story in this forum. It makes my heart happy to know that many find this space one where they can relate, where they feel as though I’ve put into words feelings, experiences and emotions that they have felt and yet had a hard time really sharing themselves. For two years I’ve been vulnerable, I’ve been reflective, I’ve been willing to share my heart with all of you. Thank you for being kind, for being supportive, and for being a source of inspiration and hope.
When I made it “one trip around the sun” I create a post that was almost like a year in review, so I thought I would do that again and create a hub of the work that has taken place over the past year. This season has been different then the last, but what remains the same is my yearning to reflect on my life and the world around me, to share those things that I love about my family, and to question big ideas that weigh on my heart.
This year has been marked by silence. I just finished a post describing what the past few months have been like, living during a pandemic with the need to quarantine, these are unprecedented times and I’m still in shock that we are living it. This moment has taking so much from me, my time, my energy, my focus and because of that other things have been set aside. There has been silence on my blog from February 7th to June 28th, because during that time, I was surviving, I wasn’t dreaming, creating, or working on myself, rather I was at my breaking point and living what felt like a totally different life.
There has also been silence because for the past year I have been taking classes to extend my learning. As a teacher, the way you go up on the pay scale is with years of experience and your education. I earned my Masters Degree in Curriculum and Instruction the same year I got pregnant with Parker. For the past nine years, I’ve had four more babies and only added a few hours of coursework under my belt. My dear friend and colleague inspired me to dive in, and so I’m proud to say I’ve reached the peak - a Masters plus forty-five hours! But these online classes were a priority when I had a minute to myself. Instead of sharing my story with you, I was reading, researching and writing for a professor. But this work was good for me. I took classes through an online program called Learners Edge and explored topics such as social emotional learning, anxiety, and even the power of vulnerability in the classroom (inspired by Brene Brown’s text Daring Greatly - such an amazing person, perspective, and her words speak to me - check it out). It is very evident when you look at the numbers that silence has graced my blog. During my first year of writing I shared thirty stories with you. This second year I only shared eight. We can never predict what a year might look like, but I know there will never be another year like this one.
There is a slight pattern in what I reveal to all of you and every few posts I notice that I am compelled to share a spotlight story about my children.
Raising twins is a very special task. Caroline and Ryland’s relationship is different from their siblings, they are more likely to bend and forgive, they compliment the other and protect with their whole being, and they truly are the other’s soulmate. I paused to reflect on their growth and the adventures we have been on in Twins the second chapter. The first installment of their story gave you the background of us finding out our surprise journey and what the first year of their life was like, in this post you get to hear about what I like to call the “danger years” where they are starting to walk, putting everything in their mouths and quickly transitioning in toddler life. They can be trying times with one and we found with two it is quite an adventure! I’m already collecting stories to share about year three with twins!
I wear proudly the badge of being a boy mom and for a long time I thought that was all God had in store for me. That is not a job I take lightly though, raising someone’s future husband and father, showing them it’s important to be brave, but also kind, how they need to be strong, but also compassionate. When we found out we were having twins, but what threw us even more was that one of them was a girl. Sweet Caroline is a mix of all good things and I share about our experience of raising a girl, who is surrounded by brothers, and yet has her own wild spirit. The Neil Diamond song says it best Sweet Caroline… good times never felt so good… how can I hurt when I’m holding you.
Corbin Thresher Ross, is my sweet boy tucked right in the middle of our crew. In this post, I share about his life from the beginning and how he has helped to shape and define our family. He is my rainbow baby who is kind, creative, and joyful. He is a friend to everyone and has an ease of bouncing between the big boys and the littles. He may have been swept up in the madness of learning we were having twins when he was just seven months old, but he quickly found his voice and has made a name all for himself.
I will often get fixated on a word or concept and from that one big idea spurs my writing, where I explore what can be gained from questioning this topic, but also looking closely at how it plays out in my own life.
We were right in the middle of winter when I wrote Traditions. Through my writing I share with you various traditions that my family upholds, but also look into where traditions are born from and why they remain. So many traditions go hand in hand with a holiday - Christmas, Easter, the Fourth of July - but sometimes traditions are centered around food and people. As a growing family, we have had to navigate the waters of maintaining family traditions, but also finding ways to create our own.
In the post titled Control, I open up about demons that I struggle with and am raw about the implications they have on my life. Control is a good thing when you manage, lead, and influence others, but when it becomes the only thing, the measuring stick of success, it becomes toxic. After having the twins, babies number four and five, my need for control is what truly broke me, but I’ve pieced myself back together. Through reflection and guidance I’ve learned that having control is important, but that sometimes in order to grow and truly live you need to soften and let go of control, your arms can only wrap so far around your world.
Peace is an interesting concept that I explored, by sharing how I often am not at peace or what I thought that feeling would be - a sense of calm and accomplishment. Through writing I learned that even in the chaos you can find peace. It’s a mindset and willingness to shift your perspective. Nature and being wrapped in the beauty of the world around me helps to ease my struggles, but so does just being present in the moment. Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of these things and still be calm in your heart.
There are things that will weigh heavily on my heart, maybe I’m conflicted, struggling, or see the hardship in others, and the best way for me to think through those tough concepts is to write about them. My writing will get me to a place of understanding.
Sometimes messages just keeping popping up in different arenas of your life and it’s like God is telling you to listen and to question. How are you? is a very common phrase, so much so that it holds little value anymore. When we say “how are you?” to someone else, do we really want to know the answer or is it just out of habit to say. Those that surround us deserve more, we need to ask “how are you” in a way that will invite others to share about their current state and maybe even say that they are not okay. We need to be more intentional with our words and more observant of others.
Even though this past year was marked with silence, I still was able to share stories that matter and generate discussion with others. Every time I post I hold my breath because I am being open and vulnerable in my writing, but the feedback I get from all of you reminds me that others can relate to my story, others need to hear these words, others are inspired and influenced by my ideas. Thank you for continuing to follow along and I hope that by sharing my journey you too can embrace yours.
