Raising boys...
Dirt. Racecars. Bowties. Skinned knees. Kickball. Tears. Wrestlemania. Power Rangers. Worms. Swords. Blue. Stripes. Planes. Ninja Turtles. Bad guys. Frogs. Sandlot. Shirtless.
I was a member of an exclusive club for a span of seven years…a mom of only boys. The twins arrived and with that came Sweet Caroline, stripping me of my membership, but I’ve been kindly granted an honorary standing since four handsome boys call me mama. But is there really an exclusive club? Is there really something different about raising boys vs girls? Is there a knack or trick for success? I am far from an expert, I definitely lack in skill and adequate scientific research, but from my own experience, here are my thoughts about raising boys…
Boys have an abundance of energy. From the instant they can interact with others, boys do so in a very physical way. The tactile nature of boys can be overwhelming for some, but also commonplace for others. Boys feed off of energy. My boys are constantly moving, constantly talking, constantly touching something. I remember vividly sitting at the kitchen table of my friend’s house years ago when our firsts were little, she had a girl, while I had a boy and I was in awe of her daughter. She sat near us, not bothering us, coloring, she used the restroom and even changed her outfit independently. Meanwhile my sweet guy was busy - busy with toys, busy making a mess, busy doing flips off the coach, and too busy to stop to use the restroom. My friend very honestly said, as she always does and why I love her, “just wait, I’ll want to trade you when they go to middle school.”
We must find ways to harness their energy for good. In the spring of 2020, when we found ourselves navigating the start of a global pandemic, we chose to hide at our lake house in New York. At first we were stir crazy, our lives are naturally built to bounce from one thing to the next, and in the spring we were forced to slow down, not easy for a gaggle of boys. After a few weeks, we settled into a new routine and this one included adventures. We had to get out and move, run off the energy, get dirty, explore new places, and take risks, my boys needed it, we all did. As we adapted to our new routine, I found the boys asking each morning while eating breakfast, “so, what’s our adventure today?” When boys can focus their energy on exploration of new things it opens up their eyes to the world around them and to the talents and skills they have inside themselves.
Boys are expected to adhere to an outdated set of norms. We are constantly being given messages about who we are supposed to be, conditioned under societal expectations. My boys are told to be brave and to be strong. They are expected to be tough, athletic, and emotionless. My boys see this in the characters of their books and shows, but also they learn it by the way adults interact with them. My boys are expected to act out the scenes from superhero movies, dig in the dirt, and enjoy sports. Society cringes when they don’t do that, when they cry, when they play with their sister’s dolls, when they draw and tell fantastical stories. Why must “boys be boys,” why can’t boys be what they want to be? Why must their favorite color be blue and play with trucks? Why must they withhold emotions and thrive in competitive situations? Their success is measured by how much money they make and how famous they become. Their path is laid out for them and when they step out of line is looked down upon or questioned.
We must find ways to help our boys grow confidently into who they are meant to be. When I look at my boys, I see their future, I see them as husbands and fathers and with that I take great pride in being a guiding voice in their lives. I want my boys to be strong, but also compassionate. I want my boys to know that being nurturing is not just a women’s role. I want my boys to know they do not have to stay within the box that society has built for them. So how do we encourage boys to explore, to be authentic communicators, to reveal in the beauty around them, and be creative? I don’t have the formula or the secret, but what I find myself doing is listening. I listen to their ideas, to their dreams. I watch for the things that light up their eyes and then I support those things. I sign them up for an author visit at the library, I pull out the dollhouse so they can play, I ask questions when tears well up in their eyes and create a safe space to share. I show them the variety of paths they can take, I encourage their artwork and musical interests, I praise them when they are gentle and patient.
The secret. We can generalize and say things like boys need to run off their energy or boys are messy eaters, but that’s just not true. It only took me having my second son to realize that boys can be so different. Now that I have four sons, I can tell you with wholeheartedness that children are each uniquely crafted and generalizations, assumptions and societal expectations do us no good as parents. See your child and be what they need. My boys are all different and need me to guide them in different ways.
Parker fits the traditional boy mold. He is athletic, physical, and competitive. It’s troublesome though that he seems to fit, because the moments when he doesn’t he crumbles. He is sensitive and a pleaser. Parker is riding a ridge right now and toggling between being a kid and a young man. I’m working hard to listen, to not try to fix everything, to be patient and not judgemental. I’m trying to create a safe haven for his feelings and experiences. Parker won’t always be able to achieve at the level he wants to, he might not make the team or be everything to everyone and I want him to know that his worth is not measured in that way. I want him to have resilience and find happiness in the life he’s built for himself.
Weston pushes those expectations without flinching. He is creative, emotional, and particular. Weston prefers to create a storyline vs play sports. He needs alone time to re-energize. He is wildly inquisitive, but has stumbled in school. I’m working on being open to the possibilities Weston shows me, like the art and focus needed to make youtube videos and the intricacies in the plotlines of various Star Wars movies. I’m trying to find ways to support him when he struggles, but also give him the tools needed to tackle the next steps on his own. I’m also trying to stay out of his way, the world will tell him that he needs to step back in line, but I know he can’t, nor should he, he’s special and will do something amazing in this world.
Corbin has an air of confidence that allows him to float through the heaviness of expectations. He is a conversationalist and charming. Corbin exudes joy and lives his life passionately, whether that’s on the soccer field, while taking on the traits of a newly created superhero, or playing with friends in the neighborhood. Being boy number three means that he is exposed to the world of his older brothers and often times that falls just outside of his lines of maturity and understanding. I’m trying to find the right balance of exposure and censorship. I’m working on seeing him for his individual self and not create comparisons. Corbin’s intuitive nature and personable approach will be what trajects him forward in life, I just don’t want him to become too wise that he bypasses the fun and instead experiences it all for himself.
Ryland, my sweet baby boy, oblivious to the beliefs of what a boy should do and enjoy. Ryland’s story is different than his brothers and that is that he has walked each step of his life alongside his twin sister. Ryland enjoys dressing up, painting his nails, and playing “dad” in sister’s storylines. Ryland is imaginative. He loves movies and will parallel the story with play. I’m working on giving him his space to experience the world in his own way and not always lump him with his twin sister or older brothers. I find myself trying to shield him from the negative reactions that follow when someone sees a boy in a princess dress or singing every word to a song from Sleeping Beauty. He is just precious and sweet and idolizes his brothers and sister. He will be the arms that hold this crew together one day, he will take care of me when I’m old, he will build a life and family that is overflowing with compassion and love.
Boys.
Growing up with only a sister, I was thrown into this boy world with very little experience to pull from and that worried me. What I have found is that there isn’t an art to it, there isn’t a certain way of parenting boys vs girls, it’s just about seeing your child. And not just seeing them, but being what they need in that moment and being ready to grow with them. I’m one blessed mama that all of my children are patient with me as a I evolve and find my footing as a mother.
