This season: Seeking Inspiration
When a stage in one’s life is compared to a season, I find it to be encouraging, hopeful, and a reminder that we are resilient. Seasons have a beginning and an end. Seasons shape the world around them; they paint the landscape with vibrant colors, they show us the true beauty of rebirth, and they remind us to pause in the miracles around us. That’s a season, that’s a stage of life… the beauty, the change, and the lessons.
I am in a season, we all are, but consider for a second how your season is being defined. This season feels different for me, as it should. No more diapers, no more naps, but more mediation. No more diaper bags, no more strollers, but more expectations. I’m moving beyond the baby phase and with it comes even more doors to open. I can breath, I can pause, I can be. I am also coming out of the haze and having a moment to evaluate what I want for my family and what I want for me. This is a season where I’m hungry for more, where I crave purpose, where I have found my footing again in the life I’ve created and I have the urge to run, run with it, and run towards something greater.
It won’t surprise you to hear that I often turn to words for inspiration. I have a Pinterest board filled with quotes. I will let the words from sermons wash over me. I doodle and weave in nature and sayings that hold power.
A dear friend of mine encouraged me to further my learning as a teacher and take more classes. One class that we stumbled upon centered around the power of vulnerability and utilized Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly as the resource and inspiration. I had already heard of Brene’s work from others and so I jumped in and this class and book fed my soul. Brene speaks to me. She speaks to my mother heart, my teacher heart, and my want for a better more fulfilling life. This past spring, Brene Brown started a podcast titled Unlocking Us. I am a religious listener and I find so much truth to her words, but also an outlet and guidance for reflection. Brene has interviewed activists, authors, religious leaders, political voices, historians, neuroscientists, and actors. Her topics vary, but her conversations are rooted in how we can make sense of our feelings and the world we live in; how vulnerability, guilt, and shame are woven into the fabric of our lives. But also how by owning our story, we can work to be better humans. I will listen to Brene while on a walk with my dog Scarlett or an evening solo walk through the winding trails behind our home. Everytime I finish an episode, I’m searching for the book that was discussed, or taking note of what inspired me and how I can investigate further. Literally after every episode I am changed.
One of Brene Brown’s earlier podcasts was an interview with Glennon Doyle. She is the author of the book Untamed and instantly upon finishing the episode I ordered her book and I couldn’t put it down. Glennon Doyle is a wife, a mother, and an activist who shares her journey through the eloquently thought out extended metaphor of a cheetah run at a zoo. Glennon describes the way in which we are trained, how we are caged and tamed by shame, and how we learn to please. This culture puts us out of touch with our Knowing and we lose our wild. Glennon goes on to highlight four keys, keys for finding ourselves and they are: feel it all, be still and know, dare to imagine, and build and burn. Glennon reminded me that just because I’m in this place right now, doesn’t mean I have to stay here. Taking a leap of faith can be scary, attempting to evolve can be overwhelming. These words resonated with me, they gave me hope, they inspired me, maybe they are words you need to hear as well…
“The building of true and beautiful means the destruction of good enough. Rebirth means death. Once a truer and more beautiful vision is born inside of us, life is in the direction of that vision. Holding on to what is no longer true enough is unsafe; it’s the riskiest move because it the certain death of everything that was meant to be. We are alive only to the degree to which we are willing to be annihilated. Our next life will cost us this one. If we are truly alive, we are constantly losing who we just were, what we just built, what we just believed, and what we just knew to be true.” - Glennon Doyle “Untamed”
Words provide me ideas and inspiration, but it is the people that surround me that help shape a condition for me to further those thoughts, and take action. Seeking inspiration is one thing, but making it happen is another.
Cheryl and I have a past braided with connection and stories. Recently she reached out and wanted to chat, it was one of the most stirring conversations. There was a mutual want for more, but also a call to make the world around us better. We are both mothers, teachers, givers. We are both creative, sincere, and open. When your heart is open it can easily be taken advantage of, walked on, and hurt. We have walked different paths, but find connectedness in our stories and because of that, we know that together we can achieve what our hearts are calling us to do. We are up to something, just wait. She is an inspiration and by her initiative to start this conversation, a flame has been lit, it will grow and light our path forward.
I can be hesitant, I can overthink, and I often doubt myself and my abilities. Having people in your life who believe in you, who encourage you, and who remind you of your strengths and worth can be all the inspiration you need to try. Like Georgia, my new neighbor who said “you have a talent, take pictures of my family, follow your passion.” Like Mindy and Miranda who tell me constantly “take time for yourself, it’s not selfish, you deserve it and will be better because of it.” Like Katie who helps me to sift through my emotions and pull out the pieces that are beneficial and then will say “okay, now go and do it, because you won’t fall, just fly.” Like Lindsay who will always reach out after I publish a blog post and will say “I can completely relate, thank you for so eloquently putting into words how I feel.” Like Kyleigh who is my sounding board and safe haven, she will say “I hear you, I see you, you can do this.” Like Krista who won’t let me overthink, but instead will say, “so what’s our plan, what’s next.” The voices around us can provide us with the reassurance we need to pursue those things we want for ourselves. My people remind me to slow down and be better to myself, but also not to be afraid of the life I want to build for myself and my family because I can make that happen.
Earlier I quoted Glennon Doyle and this part more than all of it is so very true to the season I am in right now… “Once a truer and more beautiful vision is born inside of us, life is in the direction of that vision.” After having the twins and embracing our party of seven, I started to question the path that I was on. I wasn’t sure that being a mother to five children and a teacher was really sustainable, because both of those roles take so much of your heart. But rather than looking forward during this time, I was filled with doubt, guilt and shame. In the spring of 2020 our world stopped spinning, a global pandemic froze us in fear. For some reason though, I started dreaming. My heart woke up and I saw something in myself and path forward.
I am a teacher and I will always be a teacher, but I can also be other things. Just because that is the path I picked from the start doesn’t mean that is where I will always be. While quarantining at our lake house in Findley Lake, New York I started to look more closely at this small town and its historic main street. It was missing something. I’m going to be vulnerable here and tell you my dream, it might turn into nothing, but it could also be something. A toy store. Not a noisy, stimulating, commercial toy store, but a quaint, soothing, inspiring space. I want to take one of the vacant spots uptown and fill it with beautiful toys that will withstand time. I want there to be a vintage feel with color that’s calming. I want books that inspire, puzzles that marval, and wooden toys that play right into the storyline that a child has already dreamed up. I want penny candy at the registrar and a place for gently loved books. I want display tables that encourage themes and an opportunity for a guest to walk out with what they know is the perfect gift for a child. I already have a name, I already have investors, I already have a plan and a space, but it’s about timing and it’s also about a leap of faith.
You know what else I want? I want to take pictures. I love beautiful things, especially when it can be preserved in time with an image. My parents graciously gifted me a camera for my birthday this past spring and I’ve only brushed the surface of learning the intricate inner workings of photography. But there is a passion inside me and a want to learn and know more. Yes, a want to learn! Some people look at me with my five children and full time career and think that I’m absolutely crazy for wanting to “add more.” But it’s not really adding more when it’s just following your vision, burning down the life you once had and building something new. That toy shop in Findley Lake that I’m dreaming of, just might need a studio above it. Who says I can’t run two businesses at once?
But truly those are far reaching ideas and they would require an uprooting of my family and our stability, that in itself seems wildly selfish. Maybe my initial aspiration of going back to college and being a teacher of teachers, maybe that’s it, but what I do know is that during the spring of 2020, during a height of fear and adversity, my eyes opened to a life beyond the one I’m living. And as Glennon Doyle said “holding on to what is no longer true enough is unsafe; it’s the riskiest move…”. Since I’m nearing 40, some may say this is a mid-life crisis, but I don’t see it that way. I see this as an awakening. A moment in my life where the fog is lifting and this season is drenched in ideas, aspirations, and beauty. The leaves are changing, the colors are vibrant, and there is potential in the air. This is my season, my season to be inspired and to give in to that inner voice, to undo the training that has been pressed upon me and to find my wild, my true reason for being.
