I have my moments where I want to hug him, to kiss him to hold on to him as a tight as I can. Then I have moments were I want to apologize, to cry, to remind him just how important he is. There are also moments when I am frustrated, confused, unsure of how to move forward. There are so many emotions that go into raising children and then pair that with the feeling you have towards your first born, it’s really challenging to explain. Here’s my best…
You may never know just how special you are to me. You made me a mother, something that I always wanted and a title that I bare with pride. Being a mother means you are someone else’s entire world, from the moment they enter this world, you sustain them, smother them with love, and guide them along their journey. As a mother, you are a teacher, a listener, a playmate, and a guardian. Thank you Parker, for allowing me this journey and thank you God for blessing me with this boy.
Being our first, I relished in every moment while carrying you. I read every book, every blog, every website. I knew exactly your size equivalent to fruit each week and what played out in your development. I would come home from work each day, relax, read and think about you. With the others, I didn’t get to do this. I was too busy chasing after you, or your brothers, it was never about the baby (or babies) growing inside once I had you. After your pregnancy, I had to learn to balance being pregnant and be a mom to an already curious boy (or boys). So, something I find very special is the time I had being pregnant with you, I remember it with fondness, because that was my only focus, my only joy, it was my everything.
We had 14 months together where there wasn’t anything else. In those 14 months, your father and I questioned every decision we made, bought every gadget we were told we needed in order to make life easier and we poured our heart and souls into you. We then were shocked to learn that a second baby was on his way and you instantly became “big.”
When Weston arrived just three weeks before your second birthday, you no longer were my baby, but rather my big boy. In an instant you aged and with that came piles of responsibility. There was always an expectation placed on you, whether we realized it or not, to be more mature, more patient, more flexible. What’s amazing is, you always rose to the challenge, we are constantly in awe of you.
I take great pride in being your mother, raising a young man. I am teaching you how to be a nurturer, compassionate, a good listener and kind. I am also showing you when you need to be strong and when it’s okay to be vulnerable. I think constantly about how I can get you to see how amazing you are, and yet push you to rise above your comfort level and to excel for those goals that seem so out of reach - because you can do those things! My hope is that by providing you with these lessons you will one day be a good husband, friend, and father, just as I know you will be.
I have my moments where I want to say “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry because I know I ask a lot of you. You have four younger siblings and sometimes it’s not fair that I expect so much of you at such a young age. But you are so good with your brothers and sister. They adore you. Your patience, and kindness, and awareness of others’ needs is really unmatched. Very few eight year olds, will look at that their moms and see the struggle and rise to the occasion. You do this because you have a sweet soul who is perceptive and kind.
At this moment you love sports, your friends, your Xbox and your family. I have to persuade you to read and do your homework, but you will with little fight because you know it’s the right thing to do and you want to please. You can easily rattle off any sports stat, especially if it’s the Blue Jackets or the Bengals, and most days you will venture off in the neighborhood with your buddies to play football or baseball. You will come to tears when you are overwhelmed or when you feel like you disappointed us. And you will willingly help with your younger siblings. You are patient and kind, thoughtful and dependable. You worry, and struggle when the path isn’t clear, but that’s okay because you lean on others and eventually you get there. I am proud of you every day and I know I will always feel this way.
We gave you the name Parker to honor your God-Father Kyle Parker Walton. I see the light, the passion, and the kindness in you that he exudes. He was the person that brought your dad and I together and has always been such a dear friend with an adventurous soul. I hope you will be as adventurous as he is, because that means you will be happy - following your path just as Kyle does. We gave you the middle name Raymond because it is your grandfather’s middle name and that of many Thresher men. I see the drive, the focus, the will to be better, just like your “Papa.” I see the humbleness, the manners, and the passion for your team, just like him too. You also are a spitting image of him, funny how things work that way.
Your dad and I joke sometimes that when it’s time to settle down you will probably purchase a house not to far from us because you can be such a mama’s boy. But you know what, that’s a great thing and I truly believe it’s just part of the make-up of being a first born. You are a nurturer and kind, caring and resilient. You can speak with adults and play with babies, you have a sweet soul and strong sense of self. You can be silly, but know how to turn it off and on. When I think about these things I realize that maybe as a mom, I’m doing okay. Almost always I question the decisions I make when it comes to guiding you - am I hovering too much, giving you too much freedom, being too hard, giving in when I shouldn’t.
You are our first and because of that, we have made many mistakes. Thank you for being patient with us, Parker. Thank you for understanding that mommy and daddy are doing our very best and at the heart of every decision we make it really is rooted in what we think is best for you. Thank you for teaching us all about what it requires to be good parents and for filling our hearts with the greatest joy.
Being your mom is an honor.
Love you always,